Jokes

My 18 carat gold butt plug business was sued by Apple.
Apparently they have a patent on expensive stuff for arseholes...


My neighbor rang my doorbell at 5 am..
Luckily I was already up, playing drums.


A woman noticed her husband standing on the bathroom scale, sucking in his stomach. "Ha­­! That’s not going to help," she said. "Sure, it does," he said. "It’s the only way I can see the numbers."


As an Aussie, Americans are always asking me where in Australia there "isn't" something trying to kill you.... "School" is my answer!!!

I scored a 175 on an IQ test with just 3 simple questions
  1. My credit card number
  2. My social security number
  3. Uploading a scan of my birth certificate


Question: How can you tell your girlfriend is getting fat?
Answer: She fits in your wife’s clothes.


Question: What gets longer when pulled, fits between breasts, slides neatly into a hole, has choked people when used improperly, and works best when jerked?
Answer: A seatbelt.


Question: Why should men only sleep with anti-vaxers?
Answer: Only 3 years of child support is way better than 18...


A mama mole, a papa mole, and a baby mole all live in a little mole hole. One day the papa mole sticks his head out of the hole, sniffs the air and says,"Yum! I smell maple syrup!" The mama mole sticks her head out of the hole, sniffs the air and says "Yum! I smell honey!" The baby mole tries to stick his head out of the hole to sniff the air, but can't because the bigger moles are in the way so he says, "Geez, all I smell is MOLASSES!"


I walked in from work today and my wife was sitting on the sofa with my girlfriend. I said, “What’s going on?” “You tell me?” replied my wife. I said, “I don’t know, you’re sitting on the sofa with a stranger.” “A stranger, hey?” shouted my girlfriend, “I’m no stranger, we’ve been having sex for six months!” I looked at my wife and said, “Is this true?”


What does 6.9 mean?
Just another good thing ruined by a period.


A Cowboy Walks Into a Saloon, Naked . . . . . except for his boots.
"Where are your clothes at, Slim?" "Back at the barn. I was feeding the horses when a beautiful blonde drove up. She says, "I wanna show you something in the barn. Follow me." So I followed her. She says, 'Take off all your clothes.'  So I do. Then she takes off her clothes, and says, "You like what you see?"  Fellers, she had the most bodacious body I ever did see! I said, "Yes, ma’am, I do!'"Then she lays down on a blanket, all friendly-like, and says, ‘Well, then, go to town, Cowboy!’ So I pulled on my boots and here I am.....”


A woman is having an affair during the day while her husband is at work. Her 9 year old son comes home unexpectedly, sees them and hides in the bedroom closet to watch. The woman’s husband also comes home. She puts her lover in the closet, not realising that the little boy is in there already.
Boy:  "It's dark in here."
Lover: "Yes, it is."
Boy: "I have a baseball."
Lover: "That’s nice."
Boy: "Want to buy it?"
Lover: "No, thanks."
Boy: "My dad’s outside."
Lover: "OK, how much?"
Boy: "$250?"
In the next few weeks, it happens again that the boy and the lover are in the closet together.
Boy: "It's dark in here."
Lover: "Yes, it is."
Boy: "I have a baseball glove."
The lover remembering the last time......
Lover: "How much?"
Boy: "$750?"
Lover: "Fine."
A few days later........
Dad:  "Grab your glove, son, let’s go outside and have a game of catch."
Boy: "I can’t. I sold my baseball and my glove."
Dad: "How much did you sell them for?"
Boy: "$1,000"
Dad:  "That’s terrible to overcharge your friends like that…that is way more than those two things cost. I’m going to take you to church and make you confess."
They go to the church and the dad makes the little boy sit in the confession booth and he closes the door.
Boy: "Dark in here."
Priest: "Don’t start that crap again."


Male Teenager 1: Yeah, I was a virgin until last night .
Male Teenager 2: As if.
Male Teenager 1: Yeah, just ask your sister.
Male Teenager 2: I don't have a sister.
Male Teenager 1: You will in about nine months.


Dentist: This will hurt a little.
Patient:  OK.
Dentist:  I’ve been having an affair with your wife for a while now.


What's the difference between a casino and a church?
You actually mean it when you pray at a casino.


A Russian enters a bar full of Turkish people. He's wearing a t-shirt with bright lettering, 'Turkish people have 3 problems.' Just a few seconds later a Turkish man  opposite  him said, "Hey, you know what you're wearing is insulting?" The Russian responds: "This is your first problem. You are so easily offended." The Turkish responds: "Okay, maybe we should settle this outside." The Russian: "That is your second problem. You always want to solve your problems with violence." The Turkish brings him outside and pulls out knives. The Russian: "And here is your third problem. You always bring knives to gun fights."


Two reasons why it’s hard to solve a Redneck murder
   1. The DNA all matches
   2. There are no dental records


I now understand the 52 genders.....
Male, female, and 50 shades of gay


A blonde drops off a shirt at the cleaners. On the way out the door, the lady at the counter says, "Come again!...."   The blonde replies: "No. It is toothpaste this time."


What's the definition of a virgin in Alabama?
Any 10 year old girl who can outrun her brother


Boy: *calls 911* Hello? I need your help!
911: Alright, What is it?
Boy: Two girls are fighting over me!
911: So what's your emergency?
Boy: The ugly one is winning.


Three drunk guys entered a taxi. The taxi driver knew that they were drunk so he started the engine & turned it off again. Then said, "We have reached your destination". The 1st guy gave him money & the 2nd guy said "Thank you". The 3rd guy slapped the driver. The driver was shocked thinking the 3rd drunk knew what he did. But then he asked "What was that for?". The 3rd guy replied, "Control your speed next time, you nearly killed us!"


 A young boy enters a barber shop and the barber whispers to his customer, "This is the dumbest kid in the world. Watch while I prove it to you." The barber puts a dollar bill in one hand and two quarters in the other, then calls the boy over and asks, "Which do you want, son?" The boy takes the quarters and leaves. "What did I tell you?" said the barber. "That kid never learns!" Later, when the customer leaves, he sees the same young boy coming out of the ice cream parlor."Hey, son! May I ask you a question? Why did you take the quarters instead of the dollar bill?" The boy licked his cone and replied: "Because the day I take the dollar the game is over!"


Love is like a fart. If you have to force it it’s probably shit.



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