An interesting collection of humorous jokes taken from the internet.

My girlfriend is so smart, she really surprises me! I went golfing, and forgot to bring my phone, so I used my friend's phone to call her. She answered: "What's up, honey?" What a smart girl! She knew I was the one on the phone!

My wife complains to me about constantly being sexually harassed at work​. I told her she can stop working from home and go back to the office.

A blind girl was giving me a hand-job once. She says "Wow, this is the biggest dick I've ever layed my hands on!" I'm like, "Nah, you're just pulling my leg."

What happens to winter fat? It becomes spring rolls!

My teenage daughter came home from school and she was blazing mad. She said, “We had sex education today dad and you lied to me! You told me if I have sex before my 18th birthday, my boyfriend will die!” I put down my newspaper, looked at her and said… Oh, he will, sweetheart, he will.”

Wife dreamed that she was attending a dick auction:
Wife: "I dreamed they were auctioning off dicks. The big ones went for ten dollars and the thick ones went for twenty dollars."
Husband: "How about the ones like mine?"
Wife: "They gave those away."
Husband: "I had a dream too...I dreamed they were auctioning off vaginas. The pretty ones went for a thousand dollars, and the little tight ones went for two thousand."
Wife: "And how much for the ones like mine?"
Husband: "That's where they held the auction."

The news today about a woman who injected her 8-year-old daughter with Botox for beauty pageants. She has been arrested and lost custody. The child didn’t look surprised.

My wife and kids are leaving me because they say I’m obsessed with Horse Racing. I'm looking out the window at them now........... and they're off.....

After thanking the doctor, I pulled him aside, and sheepishly asked, "How soon do you think we'll be able to have sex?" He winked at me and said, "I'm off duty in ten minutes - meet me in the car park."

You should respect people who wear glasses. They paid money to see you.

My Grandpa complained, “Your generation is hooked on technology!” I replied, “No, Pops, it’s YOUR generation that’s hooked!” Then I unplugged his life support.

I think my wife is cheating on me with my best friend. He’s been miserable lately, the poor guy.

I tried to share some fries with a homeless man today. He told me to Fuck off and buy my own!

My dad told me to never go to a cheap, sleezy, raunchy strip club, because you will see something you really shouldn’t!!!!! So I went… I saw my dad.

To the women who say, "Men are only interested in one thing!" Have you ever considered being more interesting?

Dear Women, when a guy calls you hot, he is looking at your body; When a guy calls you pretty, he is looking at your face; When a guy calls you beautiful, he is looking at your heart. In the end all 3 men still want to have sex with you!

Why are married women heavier than single women? Single women come home, see what's in the fridge and go to bed. Married women come home, see what's in bed and go to the fridge.

Today, I shocked the hell out of the postman by opening the door completely naked. I’m not sure what surprised him most: my nudity, or the fact that I know where he lives.

What do you call an Arab who has been injured in a bombing? An ambulance!

Three blondes are celebrating their success in a pub. The bartender asks them: "Girls, what's the reason for the celebration?" One of the blondes responds: "Well, we just finished this puzzle and it took us only a month, while the box indicated: 3 to 6 years!

My girlfriend's dog died, so I tried to cheer her up by getting her an identical one. It just made her more upset. She screamed at me, "What am I supposed to do with two dead dogs?"

You're being chased by a Lion, you're on a horse to the left of you is a Giraffe and on the right a unicorn what do you do? You stop drinking and get off the Carousel.

What do you call a person who doesn't perform fellatio? You don't.....

They all laughed when I said I wanted to be a comedian. Well, they're not laughing now! Wait…

Did you hear how the zombie bodybuilder hurt his back? He was dead-lifting.

I thought the dryer was shrinking my clothes... Turns out it was the refrigerator all along.

I think my wife is cheating on me... While having sex she said, “oh yeah give me that big d**k!”

What do you call the sexuality where you're attracted to men and women but neither are attracted to you? Bi-yourself.

My wife just stopped and said, “You weren’t even listening, were you?” I thought, “That’s a pretty weird way to start a conversation.”

Your mum is so slow. It took her 9 months to come up with a good joke!

What do you call an Engineer who doesn’t know how to use a calculator? A projectmanager.

Fun fact: Australia's biggest export is boomerangs. It's also their biggest import.

Always remember you are not worthless. Organs are extremely expensive on the black market!

Today I was in the giving mood; I gave a homeless man my iPhone and $500. You will never know the happiness I felt when he put his gun away!

What do you call a cheap circumcision? A rip off!

If Korean pop music is kpop. That means Chinese rap is crap.

When I want your opinion. I will remove the duct tape!

A husband and wife began to argue. Words were exchanged and she insisted he packed his bags and leave. While he was about to exit, she yelled out, "I hope you die a long, slow and painful death." He turned around and said, "So you want me to stay?"

I told my wife she should embrace her mistakes. She hugged me!

It was no wonder there was a toilet paper shortage. Given the number of assholes in the country.

My grandfather warned people that the Titanic would sink. Turned out to be a terrible icebreaker.

My roommate had her breasts reduced yesterday. Now she is my flat-mate

Why do ducks have feathers? To hide their butt quacks.

Just watched an interesting documentary on cocaine... Going to watch all documentaries this way now!

I went to visit my wife in hospital, and took her flowers.
I am sure my girlfriend will love them.

A great name for diarrhea medicine.

A lion would never play golf.
But a Tiger Wood.

A guy walks into a bar and orders 10 shots. Bartender asks, "What are you celebrating?" The guy responds," My first blowjob." The bartender offers him an 11th shot for free. 
The guys said, "No thanks. If the 10th shot does not get the taste out of my mouth, then the 11th shot will not either!

A wise man once told his wife...
..... Absolutely nothing.

I'm half Irish and half Jewish...
I'm drinking if you're buying!

I phoned the wife earlier and asked if she wanted me to pick up Fish and Chips on the way home, but she just grunted at me.
I think she still regrets letting me name the twins.

Corona must have hit India hard...
I´ve not received a single phone call this week from Microsoft to warn me about a virus on my computer.

Call a girl beautiful 1000 times, and she won't think twice...
Call a girl fat once and she'll always remember. Because elephants never forget

Last night my girlfriend dressed up as a policewoman and told me I was under arrest on suspicion of being good in bed!
2 minutes later she told me all the charges were dropped due to lack of evidence.

Give a Man a Fish and You Will Feed Him for a Day.
Teach a man to fish and he will spend a fortune on gear he will only use twice a year.

Excuse me what language are you speaking? It sounds like bullshit!

Do you know what sexual position produces the ugliest children? Go and ask your mother.

52% of women fake orgasms. 100% of men do not give a shit!

Got a PS5 for my little brother. 
Best trade I've ever done!

You don't need an Ancestry DNA kit to find out who your relatives are.
Just tell everyone that you've won the lottery.

What kind of exercise do lazy people do?

What do the United States and Usain Bolt have in common?
They both focus too much on race.

My son, who's into astronomy, asked me how stars die.
"Usually an overdose, son," I told him.

What kind of sneakers do kidnappers wear?
White Vans.

The police came to my front door tonight holding a picture of my wife.
They said, "Is this your wife, sir?" Shocked, I answered, "Yes."
They said, "I'm afraid it looks like she's been hit by a bus."
I said, "I know, but she has a lovely personality."

Behind every angry woman.... Is a man who has absolutely no idea what he did wrong!

Marriage is a workshop.... Where the man works and the wife shops!

As I sat there winding my hair through my fingers, I thought to myself ..."I really need to shave my ass"

What do a wife and a grenade have in common? If you take off the ring, you lose your house.

Why do rednecks cut their sleeves off? They have the right to bare arms

I met two guys wearing matching clothing. So I asked them if they were gay. They promptly arrested me.

Question: What’s a lesbian's favorite drink?
Answer: Liquor

Anyone know a cure for sex addiction? I've tried f***ing everything.

Did my taxes on Valentine's Day 
It was the only way I was getting fucked today.

After my accident, I woke up in hospital with a sexy nurse standing over me. She said, “You may not feel anything from the waist down.” “Fair enough,” I replied, and felt her breasts.

My wife told me she wanted something that went from 0 to 150 in 3 seconds for her birthday.
So, I bought her a weighing scale.

My 18-carat gold butt plug business was sued by Apple. Apparently, they have a patent on expensive stuff for arseholes...

My neighbor rang my doorbell at 5 am. Luckily, I was already up, playing drums.

A woman noticed her husband standing on the bathroom scale, sucking in his stomach. "Ha­­! That’s not going to help," she said. "Sure, it does," he said. "It’s the only way I can see the numbers."

As an Aussie, Americans are always asking me where in Australia there "isn't" something trying to kill you.... "School" is my answer!!!

I scored a 175 on an IQ test with just 3 simple questions
  1. My credit card number
  2. My social security number
  3. Uploading a scan of my birth certificate

Question: How can you tell your girlfriend is getting fat?
Answer: She fits in your wife’s clothes.

Question: What gets longer when pulled, fits between breasts, slides neatly into a hole, has choked people when used improperly, and works best when jerked?
Answer: A seatbelt.

Question: Why should men only sleep with anti-vaxers?
Answer: Only 3 years of child support is way better than 18...

A mama mole, a papa mole, and a baby mole all live in a little mole hole. One day the papa mole sticks his head out of the hole, sniffs the air and says,"Yum! I smell maple syrup!" The mama mole sticks her head out of the hole, sniffs the air and says "Yum! I smell honey!" The baby mole tries to stick his head out of the hole to sniff the air, but can't because the bigger moles are in the way so he says, "Geez, all I smell is MOLASSES!"

I walked in from work today and my wife was sitting on the sofa with my girlfriend. I said, “What’s going on?” “You tell me?” replied my wife. I said, “I don’t know, you’re sitting on the sofa with a stranger.” “A stranger, hey?” shouted my girlfriend, “I’m no stranger, we’ve been having sex for six months!” I looked at my wife and said, “Is this true?”

What does 6.9 mean? Just another good thing ruined by a period.

A Cowboy Walks Into a Saloon, Naked . . . . . except for his boots. "Where are your clothes at, Slim?" "Back at the barn. I was feeding the horses when a beautiful blonde drove up. She says, "I wanna show you something in the barn. Follow me." So I followed her. She says, 'Take off all your clothes.'  So I do. Then she takes off her clothes, and says, "You like what you see?"  Fellers, she had the most bodacious body I ever did see! I said, "Yes, ma’am, I do!'"Then she lays down on a blanket, all friendly-like, and says, ‘Well, then, go to town, Cowboy!’ So I pulled on my boots and here I am.....”

A woman is having an affair during the day while her husband is at work. Her 9 year old son comes home unexpectedly, sees them and hides in the bedroom closet to watch. The woman’s husband also comes home. She puts her lover in the closet, not realising that the little boy is in there already.
Boy:  "It's dark in here."
Lover: "Yes, it is."
Boy: "I have a baseball."
Lover: "That’s nice."
Boy: "Want to buy it?"
Lover: "No, thanks."
Boy: "My dad’s outside."
Lover: "OK, how much?"
Boy: "$250?"
In the next few weeks, it happens again that the boy and the lover are in the closet together.
Boy: "It's dark in here."
Lover: "Yes, it is."
Boy: "I have a baseball glove."
The lover remembering the last time......
Lover: "How much?"
Boy: "$750?"
Lover: "Fine."
A few days later........
Dad:  "Grab your glove, son, let’s go outside and have a game of catch."
Boy: "I can’t. I sold my baseball and my glove."
Dad: "How much did you sell them for?"
Boy: "$1,000"
Dad:  "That’s terrible to overcharge your friends like that…that is way more than those two things cost. I’m going to take you to church and make you confess."
They go to the church and the dad makes the little boy sit in the confession booth and he closes the door.
Boy: "Dark in here."
Priest: "Don’t start that crap again."

Male Teenager 1: Yeah, I was a virgin until last night .
Male Teenager 2: As if.
Male Teenager 1: Yeah, just ask your sister.
Male Teenager 2: I don't have a sister.
Male Teenager 1: You will in about nine months.

Dentist: This will hurt a little.
Patient:  OK.
Dentist:  I’ve been having an affair with your wife for a while now.

What's the difference between a casino and a church? You actually mean it when you pray at a casino.

A Russian enters a bar full of Turkish people. He's wearing a t-shirt with bright lettering, 'Turkish people have 3 problems.' Just a few seconds later a Turkish man opposite him said, "Hey, you know what you're wearing is insulting?" The Russian responds: "This is your first problem. You are so easily offended." The Turkish responds: "Okay, maybe we should settle this outside." The Russian: "That is your second problem. You always want to solve your problems with violence." The Turkish brings him outside and pulls out knives. The Russian: "And here is your third problem. You always bring knives to gun fights."

Two reasons why it’s hard to solve a Redneck murder
   1. The DNA all matches
   2. There are no dental records

I now understand the 52 genders..... Male, female, and 50 shades of gay

A blonde drops off a shirt at the cleaners. On the way out the door, the lady at the counter says, "Come again!...."   The blonde replies: "No. It is toothpaste this time."

What's the definition of a virgin in Alabama? Any 10 -year -old girl who can outrun her brother

Boy: *calls 911* Hello? I need your help!
911: Alright, what is it?
Boy: Two girls are fighting over me!
911: So, what's your emergency?
Boy: The ugly one is winning.

Three drunk guys entered a taxi. The taxi driver knew that they were drunk so he started the engine & turned it off again. Then said, "We have reached your destination". The 1st guy gave him money & the 2nd guy said "Thank you". The 3rd guy slapped the driver. The driver was shocked thinking the 3rd drunk knew what he did. But then he asked "What was that for?". The 3rd guy replied, "Control your speed next time, you nearly killed us!"

A young boy enters a barber shop and the barber whispers to his customer, "This is the dumbest kid in the world. Watch while I prove it to you." The barber puts a dollar bill in one hand and two quarters in the other, then calls the boy over and asks, "Which do you want, son?" The boy takes the quarters and leaves. "What did I tell you?" said the barber. "That kid never learns!" Later, when the customer leaves, he sees the same young boy coming out of the ice cream parlor. "Hey, son! May I ask you a question? Why did you take the quarters instead of the dollar bill?" The boy licked his cone and replied: "Because the day I take the dollar the game is over!"

Love is like a fart.
If you have to force it it’s probably shit.

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